About Back to Love
This book was a very difficult book to write. The baring of one’s heart and soul, and tortures and loves, in such an open and now public way took me right out of myself, stretching me beyond all measure, on every level. I don’t know if I’d call the writing of this book a ‘therapeutic’ endeavour, but it was certainly an endeavour, to be a true, clear and no-nonsense voice for the most vulnerable in society, that I’d gladly do again and again, however much it hurts.
I don’t just speak for the needs of today’s children; I speak especially for all the wounded, denied and abandoned children that still exist within countless adults the world over. I write in service to them, as well as to the child within myself. It is my hope that in doing so, we as a society will come to listen more and better respond to children’s particular and unique needs and wants, lest those cries turns into screams of blue murder; the kind we see and read about on the news and in the papers, daily.
It can also be said that when I speak of the ‘child within,’ as well as without, I am essentially speaking about the spirit of that first innocent essence; the loving protection, cultivation and bringing forth of which creates emotionally mature, wholesome human beings.
Back to Love
Excerpts from Back to Love
Ronald continued not to change. He just couldn’t or wouldn’t commit, and even though someplace I knew it, I also couldn’t or wouldn’t see it, let alone deal with it head on. Somehow, I kept believing and working under the premise that if I tried harder and proved how much I loved him, that he would eventually love and commit to me in return...
My thought processes were breaking down. I couldn’t think things through as clearly as I once did, and solutions began to elude me. I feared that I was losing my mind, which had been my place of solace and comfort…
I didn’t want Jamie to have the experience of that kind of mother, an outcome which for me would have been the ultimate nightmare. Besides, that wasn’t the promise I had made to him or to us. His being in the world was meant to be a second chance, and so one grey and cold October morning, after awakening out of another series of bad dreams following another night of binge eating, I decided to make an appointment to see my GP.
During this time, I decided to lock my hair; one day I just had the thought that no matter high up the ladder I got, I would never want to sacrifice or compromise my cultural and racial identity. Whatever group I was going to end up being a part of in the future, I still wanted to be proud and feel very much involved in my African and Caribbean heritage. Basically, I wasn’t going to ‘sell out’ in order to fit in anywhere I may later find myself.
Today I am nothing like I was. I was a very quiet child growing up, for all the reasons shared in this story; I was quiet and shy with an ever ready plastered on smile that hid how I truly felt inside...
But, of course, there was nothing wrong with me; shit had happened to me, and the intensity of feelings I was experiencing was/is all part and parcel of my healing and enfoldment, which is also an aspect of the lifelong maturation process I had opened myself up to when I signed up for on this journey Back To Love.
Being human is, for me, a way of being that absolutely needs the good, wholesome relations of other fellow human beings to help keep and heed the budding human spirit towards those more life- and love-affirming means and ends.
“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
- Frederick Douglas
Yes, it is easier, but it is not impossible to turn our lives around and drive it in a direction more of our choosing, as my story bares testimony to. I am here, and my life purpose is to share the good news that, with self/love, all things are indeed possible!
P.S. And she lived, self-knowingly and self-lovingly ever after!
Back to Love
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