Back to Love

Close up portrait of beautiful young black woman smiling outdoors

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." Maya Angelou

Narrative Therapy..

This book was a very difficult book to write. The baring of one’s heart and soul, and tortures and loves, in such an open and now public way took me right out of myself, stretching me beyond all measure, on every level. At the time of writing Back to love, I don’t know if I would have called it a ‘therapeutic’ endeavour, but it was certainly an endeavour, to be a true, clear and no-nonsense voice for the most vulnerable in society, that I’d gladly do again and again, however much it hurts.

I don’t just speak for the needs of today’s children; I speak especially for all the wounded, denied and abandoned children that still exist within countless adults the world over. I write in service to them, as well as to the child within myself. It is my hope that in doing so, we as a society will come to listen more and better respond to children’s particular and unique needs and wants, lest those cries turns into screams of blue murder; the kind we see and read about on the news and in the papers, daily.

It can also be said that when I speak of the ‘child within,’ as well as without, I am essentially speaking about the spirit of that first innocent essence; the loving protection, cultivation and bringing forth of which creates emotionally mature, wholesome human beings.

Back to Love

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Excerpts from Back to Love, Inner Life Writes & From ChildHOOD To Man

THE BACK TO LOVE SERIES:

BACK TO LOVE...

Ronald continued not to change. He just couldn’t or wouldn’t commit, and even though someplace I knew it, I also couldn’t or wouldn’t see it, let alone deal with it head on. Somehow, I kept believing and working under the premise that if I tried harder and proved how much I loved him, that he would eventually love and commit to me in return...

My thought processes were breaking down. I couldn’t think things through as clearly as I once did, and solutions began to elude me. I feared that I was losing my mind, which had been my place of solace and comfort…

I didn’t want Jamie to have the experience of that kind of mother, an outcome which for me would have been the ultimate nightmare. Besides, that wasn’t the promise I had made to him or to us. His being in the world was meant to be a second chance, and so one grey and cold October morning, after awakening out of another series of bad dreams following another night of binge eating, I decided to make an appointment to see my GP.

During this time, I decided to lock my hair; one day I just had the thought that no matter high up the ladder I got, I would never want to sacrifice or compromise my cultural and racial identity. Whatever group I was going to end up being a part of in the future, I still wanted to be proud and feel very much involved in my African and Caribbean heritage. Basically, I wasn’t going to ‘sell out’ in order to fit in anywhere I may later find myself.

Today I am nothing like I was. I was a very quiet child growing up, for all the reasons shared in this story; I was quiet and shy with an ever ready plastered on smile that hid how I truly felt inside...

INNER LIFE WRITES...

Introduction..

In this body of my work, ‘Inner Life Writes’, individual pieces of my writing speak on this looking back to UN-learn, RE-learn and RE-turn to who I truly am and move, more securely, towards my purpose in this world; the reason for our being here, and being here truly...

It has been thirty-six years since I made that Sankofa Braveheart move to go and get help for the psychological wounds I had incurred from a past that was my childhood. Past hurts, unprocessed, in need of being grieved and healed, enough that I may RE-new and RE-turn and go/grow on. It has been some journey, one that has included the healing of the racial trauma from the experience of being a Black African (Caribbean British-born) woman in this time. Generationally healing from the experience of slavery which, just like the loss of my childhood, continues to negatively impact today...

On Therapy: Personal Political

Oftentimes, our source of inner conflict and dis-ease are linked with the sources of conflict in society. These inner conflicts arise from deeply entrenched value judgements that stem from certain groups of people holding the power to determine the lives of others. It is for this reason that therapy can be likened to political activity...

As well as being used to uphold and enforce traditional value judgements, therapy can hold potent the opportunity to challenge some of our society’s current values, especially in the area of valuing different people. Therapy - and services and loving relationships like it - at its best, offers us an opportunity to RE-evaluate ourselves and our lives within a Framework of Equality… If we choose - and dare - to allow therapy to take us to those depths...

The work that is undertaken in therapy consists of struggling to understand the conflicting forces operating inside us, as well as questioning and challenging the forces operating in the world outside...

This form of therapy has true love for humanity at its core, as it strives continually towards deeply valuing all human beings, regardless of their behaviour. In therapy, one of the main drives is to understand the reasons behind problem‐ atic and unkind behaviours, towards self and others...

On Being Human: Human Doings

Human-doings, that is what we have become. Twenty-four hours we are given in a day and we action it to the hilt. Mankind is truly making progress in becoming actual machine. The glorification of busy is at full speed. We treat ourselves and drag around our bodies like some dead weight, as if the body won't exact certain cause and effect payment. We do the same to the earth.

We are the only species in the world that work so hard at being anything other than itself. Apples aren’t trying to be oranges; elephants, giraffes; pigs, foxes... We have allowed our minds to run amok and get stuffed with what the world says is good, and a good look, for us...

Maybe I find this easy to talk on and recognise because, since I was a child, I never wanted to follow anything or anybody. I wanted to be myself… well, once I gave up on wishing I was a long-haired little white girl. I wanted to set my own standard, watch the latest film, get this or that particular gadget or outfit, but when I got round to it not when everyone else was on the hype trip...

FROM CHILDHOOD TO MAN, by Maurice Lennon- my first book writing mentee from InnersideOut Inspiration Coaching "Dreams Come True" Programme! For Maurice, a Dream come through!! It can happen for you!

I HAVE A DREAM, and I am The Dream: The Dream in search of and back to that tree Malcolm X speaks of in the above quote. One of my Dreams today, as I seek my true purpose and reason for still being alive in these times, is to write my life’s story. I have always wanted to write my life’s story, and throughout the course of my life’s journey, a number of people have said that I should. I started to do so in 2020, and if you are holding my book in your hands, that Dream has been realised...

..Oftentimes, the apple does not fall too far from the tree, and when it does, it can find its way back. This Lennon legacy gene is in me, and it has guided me, however nightmarish some of my life’s situations and experiences have been. I hope that, in the telling of my life’s story, this oral history will uplift and inspire all those who read it, especially Black boys and men from African and Caribbean descent. It is my hope that it will uplift and help these boys and men realise their true potentials and build self- and race-confidence.

I believe that we all have an overcoming story of our own and/ or another Dream of some kind inside of us, wanting to come out. Here is my statistic-defying, confidence-realising, Tree-of- Life-finding life story...

..I would like to take this time to say that in writing this book, I am in no way glorifying crime and violence. I just wanted to take some time to share some of my life’s experiences and in so doing, hopefully, enlighten or uplift someone in some way. I wanted to share that when a child is born into poverty-stricken, oppressive environments, childhood becomes a Hood, having a negative impact on children’s chances in life, making the community — in this case, African, Caribbean Black-British, and Black-American — stuck in a past filled with trauma for longer than young people are supposed to. Nas, a rapper, songwriter, and entrepreneur, raps about this on his track and album, 2nd Childhood. What I call, Message Music..